Bench time, browsing time: What's in a player's search history?

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There is that moment for every college basketball player's day - typically between the fifth round of suicides and the third missed assignment - when the head becomes empty and the thumbs take over. The court is silent. The ball stops bouncing. And the scrolling begins.

This is bench time surfing, a.k.a. the sacred ritual of wasting time between practice, on long bus rides, or waiting around for your number to be called (or not called) in a game.

What's in those search histories? Oh, you don't wanna know. Actually… yes you do. Let's go down the rabbit hole.

The hoops rabbit hole

Every team's got that one dude who thinks he's the second coming of Jamal Crawford. You know the dude - he's playing slow-motion IG clips of high school point guards spinning-back-into-hesic crossovers and saying to himself things like, "I'ma start doing that." He won't. But we promote the fantasy. Search history looks like this:

  • "How to break ankles legally"
  • "Best hoop mixtapes of all time"
  • "Why can't I dunk if I work out sometimes

One of our bench guys - let’s call him Malik - once watched the same Ballislife mixtape 14 times before a game. Came in, played for two minutes, airballed a floater. But hey, his vibes were elite.

Relationship vibes and other suspect searches

The internet's a strange place at 2 a.m., especially after a game in which you played like trash and your situationship left you on read. Here's what's really in the late-night search bar:

  • "What does it mean if she hearts my story but doesn't text back?"
  • "Can you lose your scholarship from being sad?"
  • "'Phonesexlines" (Hey, it showed up in one dude's search once. We don't ask questions - we just roast accordingly.)

No judgment. We've all been there, staring into the light of our cracked iPhones like it holds the secrets of life. (Spoiler: It doesn't. Just more commercials for off-brand cologne.)

Food delivery is the real MVP

Let’s talk about post-practice hunger. If you’ve ever seen a grown man scroll Uber Eats with the intensity of a fourth-quarter press, welcome to college basketball.

I once had our backup forward order $67 worth of Buffalo Wild Wings and passed out before they arrived. Bro woke up and slept through delivery, and when he saw the receipt, said, "I didn't even get fries?" Like that was the only issue. Late-night web searches:

  • "Do Chipotle deliver at 1 a.m.?."
  • "Best protein snacks that don't taste like sadness"
  • "Can you DoorDash a smoothie to the training room"

Shoutout to the walk-on who had three McChickens delivered to the hotel lobby on a road trip, in full warm up gear, shame none to be had.

TikTok time is sacred time

If you believe game film is the most-watched programming in the locker room, you've clearly never had a freshman on TikTok.

It starts off innocently, maybe a few funny clips, a cat beating or something, but next thing you know the whole team's sitting in a circle watching some dude in Dallas take slow-motion layup drills with a smoke machine behind him.

Someone's always like, "That's tough," and someone else's always like, "Yeah, but he'd be in jail in the OVC." Also, why are all other ads on TikTok trying to sell a tactical flashlight or a hoodie with 19 pockets? Who's viewing these videos - basketball players or spy agents?

In-game Googling: Don't act like you haven't

Have you ever noticed some guy on the bench looking off into his hoodie as if meditating? Nope, he's quietly searching, "Can I change mid-season without informing the coach?"

There was the instance that our third-string point guard searched "basketball plays obscuring bad defense" during timeout. I kid you not. Other jewels of Google knowledge:

  • "Why is the coach an anti-me man"
  • "How do you appear present but not in actuality?
  • "How long does quads take to heal if you never stretch"

The group chat is absolute madness

You learn so much about a team from the group chat. Like, who posts motivational quotes straight-faced. Who drops memes in game. Who screenshots texts and is like, "Am I trippin'?"

Someone once sent a 12-minute video essay about why we must bring back the long shorts. Another dude replied with a SpongeBob meme that somehow succeeded. We have a dude who types only in caps. Nobody has any idea why. He once sent "LOCKED IN" at 3:42 a.m. while buying a PS5 controller online. Motivational stuff.

When academics "happen"

Listen, no one's pretending to be valedictorian, but occasionally someone has to fire up their laptop and pretend to be a working student. Searches are:

  • "What is a thesis statement"
  • "Can I use ChatGPT without getting expelled"
  • "SparkNotes for books that aren't on SparkNotes"

One of my teammates once submitted a paper on the Peloponnesian War with the title "Why Spartans Were Built Different." He passed. Barely.

Final thoughts: Keep scrolling, king

At day's end, every hooper has a scroll ritual. Some of us are looking for that next move to add to our bag. Others are trying to find an 11:59 p.m. sandwich that won't kill our vertical. Whatever it is that you're re-refreshing the team group chat about, spiraling down a TikTok rabbit hole for, or Googling "Can I go pro in Australia?" - just know you're among friends.

So next time you’re riding a pine and see your teammate locked in on his phone, don’t judge. He might be watching a film. Or ordering cheesecake. Or… well… clearing his search history for reasons we’ll never speak of again. Either way, scroll responsibly. And hydrate.